side note: i had this set to publish in mid-march and then my dad’s health got worse. i considered scrapping this post altogether, but i also feel the need for a lighter post.
trigger warning: i will be talking about bodily functions in today’s post. if this not your type of post, you might want to skip this week.
i just got my first colonoscopy at the age of 53, and i’ll have another one in less than a year. this is a post to help you avoid making the same mistake(s) that i did.
because you will eventually need to have a colonoscopy. and i’ll be there when you do.
just kidding. i won’t. i promise.
mike had his first colonoscopy last june, and it seemed to be a simple procedure. i watched from afar as he prepped, pooped, wretched a little (not typical), and then i drove him to get the procedure.
he had a couple of polyps removed (which is very common), and they were tested. a few days later, he received an email from the doctor confirming that everything was fine.
so i felt less scared when i scheduled my colonoscopy for the first week of november.
then, mike’s fall in september set off a series of events that led to a difficult autumn last year. (mike fell, mom fell, and we discovered dad has cancer.)
i ended up rescheduling my colonoscopy for march.
here’s what i did or didn’t do:
-i didn’t read anything beforehand because i was worried that my anxiety would rear its ugly head. i knew i had a colonoscopy scheduled for march 19th, so on the 16th, i started looking through mychart for my instructions. i watched the video they sent that taught me more than I ever wanted to know about my colon.
-it looked like i was supposed to eat a lighter diet the day before my prep. so, two days before my colonoscopy. however, two days before my colonoscopy, march 17th, was st. patrick’s day. my mom was making her famous irish dinner. corned beef, red potatoes, and irish soda bread. everything it suggested that i avoid eating.
-i talked to mike about it, and he said it was okay if i ate it all. in retrospect, he was the absolute wrong person to talk to about this, but I wanted a yes man. i wanted the irish dinner regardless of the consequences. so an irish dinner i had. along with a shamrock shake on the way home.
WHAT??? it’s only there once a year!
(it gets worse)
-the day of the purge prep, i knew I could eat a light breakfast before 9 a.m. i saw someone on tiktok cheat the morning of their prep by drinking an iced coffee. i decided to have a london fog latte. i also ate a breakfast sandwich.
but, it was before 9 am.
stop shaming me in your head.
after 9 a.m., i was only allowed liquids until my colonoscopy, which was at 8 a.m. the next morning. so, chicken broth, italian ice, gatorade, and water for the next 24 hours. we got the wrong jello, which had aspartame (which triggers headaches), so i couldn’t eat it.
but then a lovely thing* happened: i discovered in an article that i could have gummy bears as long as they were yellow or clear. (gummy bears liquify once inside your body)
i didn’t care about the science because gummy bears were saving my soul by 5 pm. which, by the way, was when the purge prep began.
*side note about the lovely thing: i read a really helpful article about a woman’s colonoscopy experience in 2022. i had bookmarked it before, but somehow lost it and wished i had it on my purge prep day.
on my prep day, my friend jill happened to share the updated article (with the addition of gummy bears). I love when things like this happen.
back to the purge prep…
there are several variations of prep. the stuff that is covered by our insurance for a first time colonoscopy is two bottles of sodium something or other that i added to a cup and then mixed with fluid to equal 16 ounces.
i needed to drink all of that within an hour, as well as 2-16 ounce drinks of my choosing (a chaser, if you will) to get things moving, wink, wink.
i took the advice of the article above, along with the materials from my gi doctor’s office, and decided to mix clear gatorade into my first dose of prep. i drank it with a straw and a water chaser. i also added some clear gummy bears to chew on to keep from vomiting. growing up is fun!
i made the best of it by watching a movie I have been wanting to see in bed on my laptop. i kind of made it a girls’ night in. with constant pooping and no enjoyable food or beverages.
at 11:30, i passed out while crushing candy and listening to asmr reiki on youtube. i woke up right before my 3 a.m. alarm because guess what? i got to do it all over again. growing up is fun!
this time, i combined the solution with gatorade and added a sprite chaser.
this round was much more aggressive. i now understand the term “running” to the bathroom.
i became more worried as my procedure time grew closer. because, unlike per the colon video i watched, my poop wasn’t getting lighter.
it was still quite vivid.
it was still very much flowing.
and i needed to leave my house in 45 minutes.
i started researching “how long before a colonoscopy should i stop pooping vigorously?” among other things. anna woke up early that morning and texted me to wish me luck. we began discussing what would happen if i had the prep poops in the car on the way to my colonoscopy.
i was not going to google whether that had ever happened.
it eventually slowed down just before we left for my procedure. or maybe i was so anxious that it just shut down? i’m not sure how any of that works.
thankfully, our destination is only a 15-minute drive from our home. we arrived, checked in, received my gown, and within 20 minutes, i had an IV full of saline and was in line for one of 30(!!) colonoscopies that day. (we asked)
i was wheeled into the procedure room, where there were two nurses and an anesthesiologist. they got the oxygen under my nose, took my blood pressure, and my doctor came in to ask a couple of questions.
then i was told to lie on my left side and that i would feel very sleepy. the next thing i remember was hearing my name, waking up in the same room, and being wheeled back to my original room.
the colonoscopy was the easiest part of the whole process.
i got apple juice and graham crackers, and while i was sobering up, my doctor came in and told me that what they saw of my colon looked good.
but…
they could not see my entire colon. they could only see half of it because the prep did not work entirely. so i needed to return in a year or less to have them go over that section to make sure it was clear.
they said that the next time, i’d need two days of preparation.
like i should have in the first place.
i’ll have to eat lighter on the first day, get the same two bottles as before, but this time add a laxative.
growing up is fun!
they were kind enough to blame it on preparation. as if it hadn’t done its job. but i think we all know who is to blame. i guess you could say i half-assed my colonoscopy. (i’ve been waiting to use that line for weeks.) *
and i’d do it again for that corned beef and soda bread.
psst- if you haven’t already, schedule a colonoscopy. it’s not too bad, i promise. i will send you gummy bears.
*i told this joke to my dad while he was in the hospital, and he loved it. i learned from the best.